J.K. Coi

I sometimes think back to what my life was like before I set along on this path... and wonder what the heck I signed up for.

I was happy then, I can’t say that I wasn’t. I definitely had more spare time, and I actually did things. Fun things. I went shopping more often (I so totally need a new handbag when before I had three or four to choose from). And I went to parties, and out for drinks after work with friends. My husband and I saw movies and took day trips on weekends to fun places like Niagara Falls.

We still do these kinds of things if we’ve planned them ahead of time and I have met my writing goals for the week. And sometimes I bring my laptop along for the ride. But admittedly the whimsical spontaneity of those carefree weekends and last minute get-togethers is absent from my life these days. Does that mean that I am missing out? Maybe. Things have changed, my life is different. But I wouldn’t change its direction.

I often compare this stage of my life to the time just after I realized that I was head over heels in love with the man who is now my husband. At that time, I knew I had passed a crossroads of sorts, that I could no longer go back to what I had been before him. From that moment forward, for better or worse, this man was going to be a part of my life forevermore.

No more would I be staying out dancing the nights away with my girls, or flirting with sexy-eyed strangers. There would be no more first kisses, and when I walked into a room wearing a knock-out dress, I knew that I would never again get an unsolicited compliment if a hockey game also happened to be playing on the television. Instead, I had destined myself to a future with a man who snored so loud he could wake the dead, who would never notice when I got my hair done. I was headed to a future with a man who would give me the best, most beautiful child ever born. Who would make me coffee every morning, and support my dreams even if it meant he fell asleep alone on the couch five nights out of seven.

This is why I look back on my more carefree past with fondness, but no real desire to reclaim that life. Because the last time my future took this kind of a turn, it ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me.